Life has been pretty interesting lately. I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone to try dating again (instead of being so focused on work). For the better part of the year, I pushed dating out of my mind to focus on my friendships and life outside of work – for I know that the relationship I’d like to create in my life is one with someone who feels like a best friend.
A lot of this has to do with my past. My greatest weakness (and simultaneously my greatest strength) is seeing peoples’ hearts, and believing in what I see there – to the point of being slow to recognize that I should also consider someone’s actions to determine whether or not a relationship is good for me. I still struggle with this. Fortunately, I have friends who care about me, who help me understand that I don’t give myself enough credit for being a great catch, that I seem incapable of seeing myself as others see me. The thing I’ve heard the most from people this year? “Don’t sell yourself short, Sasha.” It’s eye-opening.
In the past two weeks, men from my past have been emerging out of the woodwork. Suddenly these parts of my life are falling into place — where I recognize that the only reason I went through what I did for as long as I did in several different situations was because I did not realize that it was as simple as expressing my unhappiness, and recognizing that I had the strength to leave. Or maybe that I simply did not recognize my own worth. How sad it is that we are so often our own worst enemies.
Being on my own for the better part of my twenties has helped me to discover my biggest blessing – that I know I am self-sufficient. I have everything I need, and I know who I am (at least, about 95% of the time – always room for improvement, eh?). I know that I can support myself, I can take care of myself, and daily I am getting better at recognizing what I need to find comfort in discomfort, to breathe and embrace everything that comes my way. I could be plucked up by a tornado, plopped down somewhere over a rainbow, and I know that I would be just fine.
I have a quote from Roald Dahl on my fridge — because I loved his stories, and his written words were the first that I learned how to read, at 4, following along as my mom read aloud with her finger under each word (she has always been kind and patient). Anyway, the quote is this: “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it.”
I believe in magic, I believe in mysteries. I believe in everything that is good and right and true. I believe in love. And I believe that God/the Universe/the Grand Poobah conspires with Love to ensure that we always have exactly what we need (even if not entirely obvious in the moment), and that He/She/It looks for ways to tickle us with delight, if we can learn to see delight in all things. If we choose to see obstacles as a stepping stone, than there isn’t anything that will ever be so big that it stands in the way of us manifesting who we are. And I know who I am, and I know that the path to keep getting closer and closer to my truest self involves one word, simultaneously a noun and a verb: LOVE.